Attachments

I have lived the recent months off of words. A part of me nags about how this is exactly the reason why I feel like moments pass by more quickly than they used to. It will be followed, however, by another one that gives me a soothing voice, saying it is all due to a simple process not everyone can take well: change.

Gone are the sleepless nights that I have always found as great opportunities to think and write or read. All my nights now include a lot more of sleep than anything else, really. Days pass and experiences last; that's what my mind has been constantly following whenever I am lost in trance.

It was exciting at first: going off of the pages I always had bound together. I felt free, unchained by written and real thoughts only I could know and feel. Spontaneity fueled almost everything I did; and now, as it all ends in a night, I am stuck with a big how.

 How in the world did those memories happen? How did I ever get so lucky to be there? Most importantly, how, oh God, how do I detach from all of these?

Admittedly, the process of change that I had referred to and gone through was supposed to be my training in being independent—it was supposed to be the shield that would keep me from being too close to the fire that I knew would eventually flare. It was so it wouldn’t add up to the problems I knew I had to face; especially with the upcoming big leap we all call ‘college’.

It was so it wouldn’t be too difficult to move on.

As I think of it now, I’m pretty sure that that change failed to reach its goal, and went the other way around instead.

Surprise: I AM SO ATTACHED. And it’s both funny and scary, because I finally realize the extent of the road I’d go through for the people I care about, and the weird size of my heart, and also its high level of being prone to much more damage (yes, thank you very much, Belle, for stating what’s already been obvious for so long), and the compelling rebound of my original plan straight to my face.

In basic terms, admit it or not, humans love so easily and that’s apparently something you can’t force nor stop.

Because when we are with the right people in any place at the same time, planned or not, it is inevitable to escape the dangerous spell of attachments.

After nights of thinking, I found out (stupidly, if I may add) that I made a big deal out of nothing, and I was just lucky enough to get the better result out of it. By trying to protect myself, I could’ve had the worst year ever, but I had it the best way instead. And yes, it might’ve made things harder to move on from, but it wouldn’t compare to the happiness I had along the way.

The main takeaway from my experience is this: there will always be points in our lives when we think we are trying to be smart, only to find out that we are depriving ourselves of the real joy we truly deserve. It takes a brave person to be so open to others, because anyone who is understands the weight of pain and fragility, yet still chooses to remain like that.

There really is no answer to any of my questions. There is no wiki how-to to detach. Subconsciously, we are all aware of its complexity, and that’s honestly what makes us fear it more. I am certain, though, that the natural process of living a life worthy of others’ involvement regardless of the length of time left of togetherness is something that nobody will ever regret.

Let’s face it: we all get hurt anyway, attached or not. Why not make the most out of it nalang? Think of the future, yes, but also remember that the present is not for us to waste.

So climb mountains. Cross puddles. Sail oceans. Jump heights. Build bridges. Take over the world. Try. Try. Try. Fail. Fall over. Get hurt. Cry. Move on. Rise. Then get back on the road.

We all heal. In time. That’s something to keep in mind.

Props to my beloved friends and batchmates for letting me experience all of these in one solid year. With hope, this is not good bye. I’ll see you in time, and in whatever comes next.